i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
