The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
