GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize