you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
