my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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