the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
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What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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