He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
