so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you never un-have a 4some
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
