At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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