Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
