So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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