I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
