I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
