he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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