how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
my poor anus
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
