Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
