i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
