Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
