Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
