so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
