Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
