I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?