totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...