Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We need a shit load of segways right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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