I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've blown a few things in my day
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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