If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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