ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
