I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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