i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
