What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
