Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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