He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
