I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
