i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think your dad took our porno
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
