You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
