Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
