i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
