Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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