I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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