you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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