Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
