It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
