I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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