I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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