Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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