If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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