Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
