If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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