Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She bit a glass in half.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
