Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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