you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
