so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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