when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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