Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
