You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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