It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
