if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
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You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?