I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day