I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.