Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
