I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
