The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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