I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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