i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
