My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
