Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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